Your Definitive Guide To Staying Safe In The Ronapocalypse

Your Definitive Guide To Staying Safe In The Ronapocalypse

Submitted from a listener, how to stay safe in the Ronaapocalypse 

In these times of crisis and hysteria we all need more ways to stay safe from Covid-19. Everyone knows that it’s practically fatal to go to Church, school, or attend funerals, but how do we defend ourselves from this viral menace beyond wearing a face mask 24/7 and maintaining a magical 6 feet from everyone? Here is a list of documented and proven ways to protect yourselves. Trust me!

1. Protest in the streets. Gather as many people as possible in the streets of a major metropolitan city carrying signs, bottles of urine or laser pointers. As a caution, your protest must be for Black Lives Matter, Antifa, Abortion Rights, or anti-Trump. Yes, they are all the same, but don’t make that clear during your mostly-peaceful protest. Any gathering that might be pro-family, pro-Church, pro-Trump, or pro-liberty will not only be shut down, but will kill your grandmother.
2. Be home by any Government mandated curfew. Some States or Cities have curfews on bars and restaurants, so comply or risk the infection. The curfews vary by Time Zone, ZIP Code, Weather Forecast and Zodiac Sign, so make sure that you keep up to date with your local authoritarians. Remember this is science and shouldn’t be questioned.
3. Eat or drink while sitting. I know this sounds crazy but this has been validated by our leaders that know what their doing because they have explored all the options. Wearing a mask is necessary when walking from the door to the table or bar and when going to the restroom, but as soon as you are seated, you are suddenly immune. I can’t confirm if it’s the eating, drinking or sitting that provides the immunity, but the combination can’t be refuted. To be safe carry a folding chair, a chicken wing and a can of Dr.Pepper with you wherever you go and you’ll be safe and sound.
4. Throw out the first pitch at a Major League Baseball game. Proven by Dr. Fauci when he pitifully girly-tossed the ball at opening day for the Washington Nationals game. This is so effective that you can retire to the stands and sit shoulder to shoulder with your friends “Sans Mask”. To date the good doctor is Covid free.
5. Wear a mask during sex. Yes I know that you’re supposed to always wear a mask, but many don’t think about the act of coitus in regards to Corona. Thankfully, the University of Georgia was able to step in. They strongly recommended to their student body to wear face masks during intercourse. Abstinence was not a recommendation to avoid Covid, nor was it recommended to avoid HIV, STDs, or pregnancy, but you can be assured that wearing a mask during sex will save you from being a pandemic statistic.

I hope that all that read this follow these objective, scientifically proven prophylactics and keep themselves and their families safe and secure during this plague. 

As for me, I won’t wear a mask, but I will continue praying the Rosary for this madness to end.

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